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Some Zen Jokes

Some Zen jokes harvested from the net. Some are older than the net itself. Some are older than Zen.


A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

One zen student said, "My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating."
The second said, "My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep."
The third said, "My teacher is so wise that he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired."

Q: How much "ego" do you need?
A: Just enough so that you don't step in front of a bus.
Shunryu Suzuki

A young woman asked Suzuki Roshi after a talk, "Roshi, sometimes when I'm trying to decide what I should do, I ask myself, 'In this case, what would Roshi do?' Should I continue that practice?" 
Roshi answered, "Then should I also ask myself, 'What would Roshi do?'"

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."
So I didn't. 

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bugger all.

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three - one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change-and not-change it.

The monk gave the layman a koan, he said,
How many bodhisattvas does it take to change a light bulb - and the layman being quite wise in his own right gave the answer on the spot - he said none, the light was already on you just have to realize it.
Then the layman added, have you tried the switch? (contributed by Justin from Chicago)

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.